The First Amendment makes it possible for people to say things that hurt our feelings.  Bullying makes kids commit suicide.  Obviously, the First Amendment should be scrapped.  Luckily, higher education is taking the lead in helping to eliminate this threat to our happiness.  And let’s not forget that violent video games and movies inspire mass murderers, just as the immortalizing news coverage of each event makes copy-cat offenders an inevitability.

The Second Amendment makes it possible for angry people to go on mass killing sprees.  While it’s true that only a tiny fraction of gun owners ever shoot another person, they should be willing (honored, in fact!) to sacrifice the insignificant right to own a gun so that everyone can be perfectly safe.  And if limiting gun ownership doesn’t make us safe, there is plenty of other stuff we can restrict until we finally achieve perfect safety.

The Fourth Amendment makes it possible for people to hide stuff from the government.  Hey, if they aren’t doing anything wrong, what do they have to hide?  Scrap the Fourth Amendment.  Like gun ownership, secrecy should be reserved only for government agencies.

The Fifth Amendment is all about coddling criminals.  It places tons of obstacles between catching the bad guys and making them pay.  Luckily, we have a President who is willing to dispense with all that “due process” crap and dole out justice like Judge Dredd.  Let’s face it.  If you’re arrested, you’re probably guilty (and that’s what your jurors will be thinking in the unlikely event that your case ever goes to trial).

The Sixth Amendment is just more of the same.  Thankfully, we have eliminated most of that annoying “trial by jury” crap.  Only a very tiny fraction of criminal cases ever get near a jury.  Jury trials would completely clog the wheels of justice and devastate the efficiency of our assembly line system of feeding the prison industrial complex.  The coolest part of the plea bargaining concept is that we sell it as being for the benefit of the accused!  The fact that the prison population would shrink dramatically without it, never enters into the discussion.  We didn’t get to be the world leader in incarceration by being stupid!

The Seventh Amendment guarantees the right to a trial by jury in a civil case, which is the reason health care costs are so high.  The power of this amendment has to be surreptitiously gutted by  capping settlements and allowing people to be pressured into signing away this inalienable right in favor of binding arbitration.

The Eight Amendment eliminates cruel and unusual punishment.  We can skip this one because no one takes it seriously anyway.  If they did, they couldn’t throw someone in prison for possessing or selling marijuana or arrest someone for being naked or buying or selling sex (legal in half the world, but not in the “land of the free”).